“A Journey”

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I had a thought of marriage, which I have been married more than once.  As looking at my husband as he lie in bed sleeping, I thought of how we came to be: then realizing that with time, I look at love differently.  When I was young, I imagined this person as being something out of the movies.  I loved with the heart of youth.  As years went by, the love, or what I thought was love, faded into something more like need.  Out of fear I looked for love and thought I had found it and I did love him as I knew love to be.  It was quite different than the first, so I believed it was the real deal.  Time went by and the relationship fell apart, but a kind of love was forever present, so I was alone again.  I searched again, and I met someone who was searching, as I was, for something different.  We both had loved and lost, felt pain and rejection:  so we were perfect.  I thought!  He had a serious injury right after we married and I was his caregiver.  Out of a deep sense of love and devotion I cared for him and thought I had finally found that special love we hear about from our Grandparents.  16 months after we married he was killed in a fatal accident.  I was crushed and confused.  Why had God taken this soul away from me?  I also felt guilty because I could not remember any true intimacy between us: just need.  For years I tortured myself with blame, holding on to something that had never really existed.  Then after 7 years: totally disheartened and vowing to never be close to another man, for I didn’t know how to love or even know what love really felt like.

One morning I woke up and decided to just fake being happy and try to make others my priority.  Sworn to closing myself off from any more mistakes, I went out for the day with a plastic smile on my face.  As I stood in a line at a convenient store to pay for gas, I saw this absolutely gorgeous man.  My first thought was: how lucky the woman was who he was with.  I felt something I had never felt before.  What was it?  We spoke as I was putting gas in the car.  Whatever I was feeling or he was, I wasn’t going to allow anyone in.  I would only destroy them and myself.  Well the rest is history.  The message I’m trying to give is we have relationships for many different reasons, disguising it as love, but when we quit looking and just give it up to God:  He chooses.  This man, who is the life I breathe and has a love strong enough to endure a lifetime of obstacles, was not my choice.  The reason why I had failed before was I chose for all the wrong reasons.  Once I put God first: all the other decisions were of His will: he brought two people, who weren’t looking, together, for All the right reasons.  I learned late in life.  But, because of my journey: I am a better person for it, and I wouldn’t change one thing, or person.  I was blessed with many people in my life, all deserving.  All on a quest to be loved.

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